Sex Ed
by Padshii Angel
Summary: Due to an alarming rise in teen pregnancies in the wizarding world the Minstry for magic has passed a new law stating that each school must have an in depth sexual education program implemented. So how will snape cope with the new teacher at the school when she decides to educate HIM? I don't own Harry Potter, this is for enjoyment purposes only and deliberately goes against canon.
1. Ministry and Magenta

The Great Hall was buzzing, instead of one new face at the head table, as had become to be expected by the majority of the student body at Hogwarts, but two new faces. Everyone was trying to see the new faces, Harry recognized Horace Slughorn, who had been drawn out of retirement by Professor Dumbledore for the position of Defence against the Dark Arts teacher at the school, or so he assumed, but the new teacher had him flummoxed, she was tall, with her long, garishly pink hair tied back in a loose fishtail braid, and her merry, blue-gray eyes twinkling mischievously behind a pair of black, square rimmed spectacles.  
>Rather than the robes favoured by the other teachers, this whiplash thin woman wore a simple green sweater that hinted at the sparse curves on her slender frame.<p>

After the Sorting Ceremony, a time honoured tradition at Hogwarts, the headmaster, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore stood up to go over the rules and introduce the new teachers, the speech started out quite simply, welcoming the first years, running over the usual rules; (no magic in the hallways, stay out of the dark forest, don't be out of the common rooms after hours); but then the speech became interesting, instead of Slughorn being the DADA teacher as Harry had assumed, he taking position of Potions Master, while Snape took on the role of DADA teacher, well, that caused quite the commotion, but Dumbledore settled everyone down after a few moments.

"Now, due to the, frankly, alarming rise of teen pregnancy in recent years, the Ministry has decided that all schools are to implement a safe sex program into the curriculum." Dumbledore said, blushing slightly and tugging at his collar uncomfortably as the student body tittered and giggled at this. "So, I would like you to give a warm welcome to our new, erhm, sexual education teacher and guidance councillor, my youngest granddaughter, Doctor Eileen Dumbledore." The Headmaster announced as the young woman stood up and nodded at the students before sitting back down quickly, clearly not wanting to be at the centre of attention for longer than needed.  
>"Doctor Dumbledore has had the best training available and is looking forward to adding her share of guidance to each of your young minds, she will not only be taking care of your ahem, sexual education, but she will also be there as someone you can talk to and trust to be discreet." Dumbledore continued, clearly looking highly uncomfortable. "But enough about that, you must all be tired and hungry from your long journey, let the feast begin." He said, clearly feeling quite relieved as he turned to return to his seat in the middle of the table.<p>

"Did you have any idea that he'd had kids?" Harry asked his friends suddenly, Ron shook his head in amazement, for once not attacking the food in front of him with his usual gusto.

"Well, it does make sense." Hermione said quietly as she carefully loaded up her plate with the good food provided by the school for the students to enjoy. "He wasn't always as old as he is now."

"Well, yeah, but I just can't really imagine him being a dad, let alone a grandfather." Harry said, glancing up at Doctor Dumbledore as she sat between Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey, talking with the two older women and eating the food she had collected for herself.


	2. First lesson

Eileen Dumbledore looked around the brightly lit office she had been given upon arriving at the school two months prior in order to prepare for the school year, it was next to the hospital wing and attached to a classroom that the house elves had cleaned out for her. At twenty eight years of age she was the youngest teacher at the school, and there were already whispers among the staff that she wouldn't be able to handle the students. She laughed to herself as she levitated the stack of textbooks on her desk out into the classroom and set them out so they were one to a desk, calling the narrow trays that would lock automatically until she clapped her hands at the end of the allotted hour, releasing the wands trapped inside them.  
>Each year level had one class a week with her, and they all had to be age appropriate lessons.<br>Her lesson plan was intense; thankfully she was able to remove a lot of the awkwardness from the lessons with the introduction of gender segregation in lessons, specifically for these classes. Eileen was _not_ under _any_ circumstances having co-ed classes for this course.  
>She exited the classroom in search of breakfast absently thinking about the lessons she had planned.<br>The young teacher had looked over the history of the school in the past and sighed at how woeful it was that they'd never even had a program put in place for the kids to be taught what they needed to know about puberty.  
>It was just left to the students to go to their heads of house to have this stuff explained to them, so she had decided to explain puberty to the boys in detail for the first forty minutes of her lesson with them, and in the last twenty minutes she would have discussion with them. Easy as pie.<br>Eileen was humming to herself as she strode confidently down the corridor towards the Great Hall for breakfast, her sleek black ankle boots clicking sternly on the stone floors, her soft, comfortable denim jeans hugging her long, slender legs and moulding to her flat, toned derriere nicely, the long, loose, beige sweater-dress covering her more feminine assets nicely. Her long, magenta hair was pulled into its usual fishtail braid and hung carelessly on her over her shoulder so that it bounced lightly against her heart when she moved. Her glasses were perched snugly on her nose and she had a four ring binder containing her notes for the four lessons she had planned for that day tucked against her nearly flat chest as she paced evenly towards breakfast.  
>On her way she bumped into a fellow teacher, Severus Snape, was the name she'd been given, a rather unpleasant character she'd decided when he'd sneered at her, looking down on her vibrant choice in hair colour. His own hair needed work she decided, flipping her braid back over her shoulder absently as she fixed him with a cheery smile.<p>

"Good morning Professor Snape." She said brightly, but he just sneered down at her.

"Hello _Miss_ Dumbledore."He greeted her coldly. "I trust you are prepared for your first class this morning?"

"Yes Professor Snape, I believe I am adequately prepared for educating young minds about puberty, and any urges that might come to light as a result of such an occurrence." She replied coolly with a confident smile. "And it's Doctor Dumbledore." She added. "I just completed my doctorate in child and adolescent psychology. I would appreciate it if you used the title I worked hard to earn, I show you that courtesy." She pointed out before brushing past him to enter the Great Hall where thousands of students in varying degrees of wakefulness were trickling in for their morning meal. She took her place next to professor McGonagall and smiled warmly at the older woman.  
>"Good morning Minerva." She said brightly to the witch as Eileen scooped some bacon out of a silver serving dish and dumping some scrambled eggs and French toast next to the bacon, finally pouring a steaming cup of hot, strong Earl Gray into her tea cup.<p>

"Good morning Eileen, may I ask what is in the folder?" Minerva inquired politely as she cut into her poached eggs.

"My lesson plan; and notes. I have sixth year, Gryffindor and Slytherin boys first, then the girls of the same houses, then same order for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw." Eileen said as she opened the folder for the two of them to look over.  
>The two women discussed their lesson plans as they ate, before going their separate ways for their first classes, Eileen disappearing to her classroom to pull out the projector screen and darken the room ready for the slide presentation she had planned.<p>

The students filed in fifteen minutes after they should have and she smiled warmly at them all.  
>They all ignored her, preferring to sit around and joke and laugh with each other.<br>She decided to wait patiently, but when they were still talking five minutes later she sighed, raising her left hand to her mouth, slipping her thumb and forefinger in between her impeccable teeth and whistling shrilly.

"Sit down and put your wands in the trays provided gentlemen." She ordered when they all looked at her in amazement. "I want magic to be kept to a minimum in my classroom, and you would do well to keep that in mind." Eileen added crisply.

"I'm not putting my wand into a filthy tray that some squib tells me I must." A young boy with platinum hair snarled cruelly at her and she merely held her hand out idly, watching his wand fly to the palm of her hand obediently.

"Now that we've answered the question about my magical status you will kindly place your wands in the trays provided." She said sweetly to the astounded students.  
>"Blondie, you will be permitted to collect your wand at the end of class, now, sit silently, I have a presentation I want you to all watch, then at the end we're going to discuss what you have learned. <em>Sensibly<em>." The teacher stated with another sweet smile as she placed the snarky boy's wand in the top draw and snapping her fingers for the slide show to start.  
>"Puberty is the physical change from childhood to adulthood, enabling sexual reproduction." She began, pausing when all the boys cracked up laughing at the mention of sex. "For you gentlemen, you have already begun to experience the changes I am talking about, most of you becoming pubescent at age eleven.<br>The changes I will be discussing with you today focus on the changes you have in common with muggles, next week we will move on to the ones unique to young wizards.  
>First change you will have noted is the sudden surge of growth within the genital area, your testicles will go from the size they were from age one until puberty, on average about two to three centimetres in length and one point five to two centimetres in width, taking five to six years to reach their adult size, on average about eighteen to twenty centimetres cubed, however this is not always the case as studies have proven that there is a variety of different sizes on either side of what is considered to be the norm." She waited patiently for that to sink in. She was very carefully droning through this first part of the lesson, trying to bore them out of the juvenile laughter she had learned was the norm when discussing these topics.<br>One hand was raised timidly, an awkward looking young man who was fining down nicely, he would be a very handsome young man when he finished puberty.  
>"Yes?" She inquired politely.<p>

"What if you didn't reach puberty at eleven?" He asked uncomfortably.

"Late or early onset of puberty is quite common; both have their advantages to the individual, as well as their disadvantages." Eileen responded. She glanced at her watch and shook her head. "That is something we will get into later. To continue with the lesson, the functions of the testicles is to produce the hormones that fuel your physical changes; and semen, colloquially known as sperm, spunk, jism, jizz or cum.  
>Semen is one of the key ingredients in creating new life, white in colour, fluid in form, it is common to find traces of it in your urine at about age thirteen." She tapped the projector idly, watching the slide change before moving on.<br>She went on to explain changes in the rest of the male reproductive system before glancing at her watch and switching off the projector and opening the shutters to allow light into the room.  
>"Now gentlemen, we have twenty minutes left in the lesson, time for discussion, we'll see who was listening." She announced as she sat on her desk, crossing her ankles daintily as she looked out over her students.<p>

**A/N: So, I realise this chapter most likely doesn't make sense, but I wanted to put something that Eileen is there for into this story. First time I've written anything in a while, so please don't murder me if it's not up to standard. I'm going to give you a heads up now, my sense of humour is warped, so there are likely to be some mildly disturbing things in this story. It's rated M for the language used in it. I'll be keeping the swearing to a minimum, anyway, this note is getting a bit tl;dr, pretty please RR, I'm looking forward to feedback from you lovelies! ;D**

**Angel**


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